Helping My Child With Exam Anxiety
Exams are tough - not just for our kids, but for us as parents too.
Are you looking for some ways you can support your child with compassion and show up meaningfully during exam stress? Read on for some meaningful ways to show up for your child during exam season
Exams are a challenging time for young people — but let’s not forget, they can be just as tough for us as parents. The pressure, the worry, and the desire to help can leave us feeling uncertain about how best to support our children through this stressful period. It’s natural to want to fix things, to offer advice, or to reassure. But sometimes, the most meaningful support comes from a place of compassion, patience, and understanding.
1. Hold Space: Be Present
It’s tempting to leap in with solutions when our children are struggling, but often what they need most is simply our presence. Holding space means being there, physically and emotionally, without adding pressure or expectation. Instead of pushing them to study harder or start earlier, try offering gentle support. For example, you might say: “That sounds really tough. Want me to just sit with you?” This small gesture shows that you’re there for them, no strings attached. Resist the urge to jump into fixes, like reminding them they should have started revising earlier, or suggesting that you create some study cards, or that they spend a little longer on their study. Sometimes, just having someone by their side makes all the difference.
2. Validate: Acknowledge Their Emotions
Feeling anxious or overwhelmed before exams is completely normal. Let your child know that their feelings are valid and understandable. You might say: “It’s understandable to feel this way, it means you care and that this matters to you.” This reassurance helps them recognise that anxiety is a sign of investment, not weakness. Avoid minimising their feelings or brushing them off, or attempting to make them feel better with comments like, “You’ll be fine, stop worrying” or “You always do well, you shouldn’t be worried.” Instead, create a safe space where all emotions are welcome and accepted. Let them worry or feel overwhelmed and support them to get through whatever emotions show up. Allow them to see that it is ok, and it will pass.
3. Notice: Help Them Step Back from Unhelpful Thoughts
Exam stress can trigger a flood of negative thoughts like “I’m going to fail”, “I’ll never get through this”. Gently help your child notice when these thoughts arise. For instance, you could say: “Ah, I wonder is your mind telling you ‘I’m going to fail’ or ‘I can’t do this’ again.” This approach acknowledges their worries without arguing or invalidating them. Steer clear of dismissing their fears, such as saying, “That’s silly, of course you’re not going to fail, of course you can do this.” Instead, encourage a bit of distance between your child and their anxious thoughts, allowing them to see these worries for what they are: just thoughts, not facts.
4. Encourage: Support Taking Action, Even with Discomfort
It’s natural to want to motivate your child out of anxiety, but preaching willpower or insisting they “just do it” can backfire. Instead, support their willingness to take small steps, even if they’re feeling anxious. You might say: “You can feel anxious, you can have that thought you are going to fail and still take the next step.” This message empowers your child to act despite discomfort, building both their resilience and their confidence.
Small Shifts, Big Impact
Remember, these small shifts in how we support our children can make a big difference. By holding space, validating emotions, noticing unhelpful thoughts, and encouraging action, we help our children build resilience, not just better exam results. It’s not easy, and you may find that you fall into trying to fix, or providing reassurance that everything is ok. The great thing is that you get to notice that and come back into the moment to try again from this compassionate supportive place. Supporting our children through exams is a journey, and together, we can help them thrive both academically and emotionally.
Which of these compassionate strategies will you try this week? If you’ve found a particular approach helpful, share your experiences in the comments.